I have a mom whom I refer to by first name, whom I have not spoken with in years. I do an internet obituary search once in a while to check whether she is still alive.
I suspect I won't feel much either when she steps out of life, which boggles the minds of certain friends I have whose parents could love them. I did the grieving, and I am still sweeping up the broken glass and washing away the dried blood in my soul, so my children can have peace. I get to learn more and more about loving the way I needed but never got (steadfast, kind boundaries) so my wife and my babies never have to be desperate or even hungry for it.
Sounds like you get it. I'm grateful that you expressed that experience.
May you be blessed in the way that you need today.
I don’t have kids, but my little brother has a family of his own. He’s one of the most incredible people I know, and the only family member I’m still in contact with
Reading your words reminds me so much of him. He’s so ferociously determined to break the cycle, give his partner and kids all the love in the world, and make sure they never have to go through what he did
All the strength and kind wishes to you. You’re doing the most incredible work, and as you say, most people from loving (or at least more loving) families will never understand
Mother hunger even after she is gone. It’s something that will always be with us. May you continue to find peace and wisdom in your suffering. I’m grateful that you shared where you are at with it now. <3
You are not alone, and feeling that way is probably more common than you realise. As you said, finding out from a Whatsapp message was somehow appropriate. You have your own life now, even if that life doesn't have a kitchen at the moment, but you have moved on. This is part of your past that just happened to get mentioned today. You didn't choose for it to be mentioned, it just was. Give the cats some extra fuss and soldier on with your day. You've done it before.
Thank you for trusting to share something this raw and unguarded. I read it slowly, more than once, because there’s so much here that lives in the body as much as the mind, the quiet of loss without reconciliation, the grief for a version of a mother that existed once, the absence that hurts differently than presence ever did.
I share some of this terrain. I've lived through abuse from a partner, and I’m estranged from my own mother. I often wonder how she is while knowing, with painful clarity, that letting her back into my life only restarts the same cycles of harm. Your writing names that specific ache so precisely, the love you crave but can’t safely reach for, the questions that linger without resolution, the way compassion and distance have to coexist. That complexity is rarely spoken aloud as honestly as you’ve done here.
What moved me deeply, too, was the way you hold both truth and mercy: refusing to excuse the damage while still seeing the brokenness that shaped her. I’ve tried, in my own life, to build something different with my children, to make sure they never carry this kind of worry or estrangement forward, and your piece reminded me why that effort matters. Thank you, truly, for sharing this. I hope you’re sitting as gently as possible with the past today, and that writing it brought at least a small measure of steadiness.
Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful words
I don’t have children of my own, but my brother does and he’s very much like you: absolutely determined to take another path, and make sure his kids always know that he loves them
It makes my heart swell. It makes me want to cry
You’re doing something powerful and utterly beautiful in a way that most people will never understand
I’m so sorry you’ve had to live through this. What an amazing human you must—building the life that you have atop the ashes
The emotional forward march of humanity should always look like each of us just trying to do a little bit better than those before us. Thank you for your kind words, as well. 🖤
My god, this ripped my heart out. My mother is much like yours: two different women, one when I was very small and then a different one for the rest of my life. I wish you could have had love from your mother her whole life long. It sounds cliche, but she's the one who lost out.
Thanks for sharing this Cae. And I am so sorry for all you've been through. My mum died last year and we also weren't talking and like you I'd wondered for years how her death would feel. It feels like relief. I have just been sent a small pot of her ashes, taken from the whole, and I see it like this - that's the tiny part of her that once loved me - 10% maybe, if that. I'm still deciding what to do with them.
What I'm trying to say is, your words moved me and I get the strange, unnamable sensation, when one loses a parent and it just feels like Tuesday. Sending you my best wishes.
It’s a visceral thing, to lose a parent. It’s confusing to boot when the relationship wasn’t the Hallmark movie version of family. Thanks for sharing your story.
Thanks for writing this.
I have a mom whom I refer to by first name, whom I have not spoken with in years. I do an internet obituary search once in a while to check whether she is still alive.
I suspect I won't feel much either when she steps out of life, which boggles the minds of certain friends I have whose parents could love them. I did the grieving, and I am still sweeping up the broken glass and washing away the dried blood in my soul, so my children can have peace. I get to learn more and more about loving the way I needed but never got (steadfast, kind boundaries) so my wife and my babies never have to be desperate or even hungry for it.
Sounds like you get it. I'm grateful that you expressed that experience.
May you be blessed in the way that you need today.
This hit me right in the throat
I don’t have kids, but my little brother has a family of his own. He’s one of the most incredible people I know, and the only family member I’m still in contact with
Reading your words reminds me so much of him. He’s so ferociously determined to break the cycle, give his partner and kids all the love in the world, and make sure they never have to go through what he did
All the strength and kind wishes to you. You’re doing the most incredible work, and as you say, most people from loving (or at least more loving) families will never understand
Mother hunger even after she is gone. It’s something that will always be with us. May you continue to find peace and wisdom in your suffering. I’m grateful that you shared where you are at with it now. <3
Thanks so much
I gave up wanting anything from her years ago. But I’m still an emotional black hole, and suspect I always will be. It’s in my DNA at this point
All I can do is treat that hungry void with kindness, and make sure no one else suffers because of it. It ends with me
I’m right there with you! IT ENDS WITH US. <3
🤜🤛
You are not alone, and feeling that way is probably more common than you realise. As you said, finding out from a Whatsapp message was somehow appropriate. You have your own life now, even if that life doesn't have a kitchen at the moment, but you have moved on. This is part of your past that just happened to get mentioned today. You didn't choose for it to be mentioned, it just was. Give the cats some extra fuss and soldier on with your day. You've done it before.
Your writing really touched me, Cae. 💔 sending you my care and admiration from way over here in 🇨🇦
Thanks so much, Gisela 🩶
I’m glad you are now able to put your thoughts down into words. You aren’t alone!
Thanks, Lee 🩶
I'm sorry the younger you went through that. I appreciate the person who survived.
Thank you, mate 🩶
I find expressing feelings through words oddly satisfying.
Nothing to say but to admire your growth and resilience!
Thank you so much 🩶
Thank you for trusting to share something this raw and unguarded. I read it slowly, more than once, because there’s so much here that lives in the body as much as the mind, the quiet of loss without reconciliation, the grief for a version of a mother that existed once, the absence that hurts differently than presence ever did.
I share some of this terrain. I've lived through abuse from a partner, and I’m estranged from my own mother. I often wonder how she is while knowing, with painful clarity, that letting her back into my life only restarts the same cycles of harm. Your writing names that specific ache so precisely, the love you crave but can’t safely reach for, the questions that linger without resolution, the way compassion and distance have to coexist. That complexity is rarely spoken aloud as honestly as you’ve done here.
What moved me deeply, too, was the way you hold both truth and mercy: refusing to excuse the damage while still seeing the brokenness that shaped her. I’ve tried, in my own life, to build something different with my children, to make sure they never carry this kind of worry or estrangement forward, and your piece reminded me why that effort matters. Thank you, truly, for sharing this. I hope you’re sitting as gently as possible with the past today, and that writing it brought at least a small measure of steadiness.
Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful words
I don’t have children of my own, but my brother does and he’s very much like you: absolutely determined to take another path, and make sure his kids always know that he loves them
It makes my heart swell. It makes me want to cry
You’re doing something powerful and utterly beautiful in a way that most people will never understand
I’m so sorry you’ve had to live through this. What an amazing human you must—building the life that you have atop the ashes
The emotional forward march of humanity should always look like each of us just trying to do a little bit better than those before us. Thank you for your kind words, as well. 🖤
I'll say massive props to you for carving out your own life and identity (struggles and all), post cycle 💪
Thank you so much
My god, this ripped my heart out. My mother is much like yours: two different women, one when I was very small and then a different one for the rest of my life. I wish you could have had love from your mother her whole life long. It sounds cliche, but she's the one who lost out.
Same to you, my friend. I'm so sorry you went through this too 😔
Thanks for sharing this Cae. And I am so sorry for all you've been through. My mum died last year and we also weren't talking and like you I'd wondered for years how her death would feel. It feels like relief. I have just been sent a small pot of her ashes, taken from the whole, and I see it like this - that's the tiny part of her that once loved me - 10% maybe, if that. I'm still deciding what to do with them.
What I'm trying to say is, your words moved me and I get the strange, unnamable sensation, when one loses a parent and it just feels like Tuesday. Sending you my best wishes.
Oh, Liz, I’m so sorry you went through something similar
What a beautiful way of thinking about your mum’s ashes
Sending you all the very best on your own journey to healing 🩶
That's so brave of you to share it. Wish you all the best.
Thanks so much
Well Cae. I have no words. Just a big hug to give and an offer to drink tea/hot cocoa while crying. ❤️
Thank you, mate. I haven’t cried and probably won’t. I got all those tears out years and years ago
But tea and/or hot chocolate is always welcome 😁
Wow, this is so raw. Thanks for sharing, and I'm sorry for your loss of today and the loss that happened for you years ago.
Thank you for the vulnerability and bravery in sharing your story with us. This hit me right in the heart. Wishing you all the peace and healing.
Really appreciate this. Thanks so much
It’s a visceral thing, to lose a parent. It’s confusing to boot when the relationship wasn’t the Hallmark movie version of family. Thanks for sharing your story.